Case Study: The Hidden Cost of Over-Giving, And What Happens When You Finally Say “What About Me?”
When a woman came to me for coaching, she wasn’t quite sure where to begin, only that something felt heavy.
Her stepson was coming to stay for the entire summer, and she could already feel the anxiety rising. She was dreading it, not because she didn’t care about him, but because of what it brought up in her.
Her words were:
“I don’t know how I’m going to cope.”
“It feels chaotic.”
“I get lost.”
That sense of being lost, of doing everything, holding everything, forgetting her own needs just to keep the peace, was familiar. When we explored and she named the deeper weight she was carrying, she paused. Then said quietly:
“Sadness. A deep sadness. If it had a voice, it would say: ‘What about me?’”
That was our entry point.
The Roots of Resentment: Where Over-Giving Begins
What unfolded next was a story I hear often in my work: a woman whose value has been measured by how useful, helpful, or selfless she is, even to her own detriment.
She told me how, as a child:
Her brother, being effortlessly cute, always got his needs met.
Her sister, being loud, always got attention.
So she became the one who gave. The one who got the salt. Found the phone. Anticipated everyone else’s needs to be seen.
Her worth became tied to how much she could do for others.
That same pattern, over-accommodating, over-functioning, anticipating every possible need, was still running the show decades later.
Now, it was playing out in her home.
She had unknowingly created a dynamic with her stepson where she was doing far more than her share, all to make him feel comfortable and cared for. But under the surface, her system was screaming for space. Her nervous system was overwhelmed. Her inner child was still waiting for someone to ask:
“What do you need?”
The Realisation That Changes Everything
In our session, we began to untangle this covert contract:
If I give enough, maybe I’ll finally feel like I belong.
She realised:
She was trying to fix her own wound, the part of her that didn’t feel like she had a place, through how she cared for others.
That despite all her efforts to make her stepson feel safe, she wasn’t creating safety for herself.
That in doing so much to avoid discomfort or conflict, she was avoiding the truth: she didn’t feel like she was allowed to take up space.
We also explored the dynamic with her husband. She had been carrying a lot, mentally, emotionally, energetically. It became clear that it was time for him to step into a more solid masculine role: one where he sets boundaries, holds the structure, and allows her to soften back into herself again.
Because it’s not her job to hold it all.
The Shift: Reclaiming Her Space
By the end of the session, something had shifted.
She could name what she truly wanted:
Time to herself.
Shared responsibility.
The freedom to honour her own rhythm and not have to be “on” all the time.
She realised that setting boundaries wasn’t selfish, it was sacred.
That love didn’t have to come through service or self-sacrifice.
That she didn’t need to earn her place, she already had one.
What Happened Next
By the end of our session, something had shifted. She felt lighter, clearer, like she could finally see herself in the picture again.
She began tuning into the moments in her day when the old pattern showed up, those split-second urges to fix, help, or accommodate before even checking in with herself. Instead of spiralling into guilt or overwhelm, she began pausing and asking:
“What do I need right now?”
“Is this mine to carry?”
“Am I giving from love, or from fear that I won’t be enough if I don’t?”
The work didn’t end in the session, it deepened. She started choosing herself in small, consistent ways. Not by pushing people away, but by gently calling her own energy back in.
With each moment of self-honouring, she began rewriting the story:
“I don’t need to over-give to be loved.”
“I already have a place, simply by being me.”
Why This Matters
So many women come to me carrying resentment, exhaustion, or emotional overload.
But under the surface, it’s rarely about what’s happening now.
It’s about what happened back then.
It’s about the roles we stepped into to feel safe.
It’s about the part of us that still believes love is something we have to earn.
This is the work we do together, uncovering the real root, so the healing can finally happen for good.
If you’re tired of holding it all, of giving until there’s nothing left, of constantly asking “what about me?”- it doesn’t have to stay this way.
You can create new dynamics. You can take up space. You can feel valuable just by being you.
If this resonates and you’re ready for deep change, reach out here or explore 1:1 coaching with me.
Thank you for being here and I look forward to supporting you.
Salarah xx
“I help women break free from survival-based patterns so they can align with their truth, raise their frequency, and manifest from a place of power- not pressure. My work blends deep emotional healing with the energetics of the Law of Attraction to create real, lasting transformation”.
